Well I had always wanted to horse ride as a child but was never allowed as it was assumed to be too dangerous, and something that you didn’t do till after you had kids and stuff
in case you had some injury that affected your child bearing abilities. So after I’d had Reyhan I took some lessons at a school with a very old, placid and way past retired horse called Bob.I did still find it a bit challenging as it really does require some quite coordinated skills. Anyway some friends later wanted to go horse riding as a group and I thought that rather than let on that just because I’d had about 700 lessons it didn’t necessarily make me that experienced, (a bit like my driving training), I’d just be quite clever and so I contacted the Horse place ahead of time and let them know that I really was pretty pathetic and needed a really patient, slow practically inactive horse when we all came down and could they somehow discretely organise one of those for me.
They said they had just the perfect one and no problem. But there was a problem as we had made a booking but as a consequence of my totally having a zero sense of direction, (GTS’s hadn’t yet been invented, not that I’ve found them particularily helpful anyway) and got disastrously lost and so we were a little late. Okay almost two hours late. And when we arrived the person I’d organised my customised horse with had gone home. Not only that all the good and friendly horses were already out and they only had the wild barely tamed ones left, but my friends all didn’t seem to mind.
And all the good helmets were also out, which only left the hugely over sized ones that couldn’t possibly fit anyone with anything close to a standard head size. Well I tried desperately to trip or injure myself before we reached the horses, but no sign of my accident prone skills; where were they when I needed them. And the horses were all so tall, so not only did I have to stand up on a drum to get onto the horse, but someone had to carry me up onto the drum……………Then we were off, and literally I was nearly off the horse in less than 30 seconds. Cripes I felt like I was racing in the Melb cup. One consolation was my helmet was so big it kept bouncing and landing over my eyes often blocking the impending doom, like the huge ditch we somehow miraculously jumped over safely. Well my bum was killing me from constantly slamming on to the saddle, (none of that graceful bum and horse going up and down rhythmically in sync, which everyone else seemed to be mastering so effortlessly.
My arms were aching from being tensely outstretched hanging on to the reins, ( I know they always stressed that your arms should be comfortably relaxed at right angle positions) and my nose was probably so swollen and red from it’s regular blocking of the helmet. Gosh it was horrible and painful and frightening, how on earth did this get considered as a recreational sport.. Then just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, something moved in the bushes a goanna or a snake or could have been a buffalo who cared but it scared the horse and he was up on 2 legs and going into a frenzy and it felt like I was in a rodeo trying to be knocked off by the most wildest ferocious bull any rodeo has ever had.
Well terrifying doesn’t even come close to describing how I was feeling and not sure where I would be safer; barely on the horse or thrown off with the goanna, snake or buffalo. So my usual reaction was to scream hysterically, which apparently wasn’t helping the situation as was annoying or further scaring my horse and also everyone else’s. And instead of being helpful, my friends and other riders kept telling me to shut up and remain calm. How totally and ridiculously unhelpful was that and besides my jaw had locked into the open only position so I had no choice…… Then when I could hold on no longer and my fighting will to survive was no more I hit the ground with as much force as if I’d been catapulted from a canon.
So now the remaining body parts that hadn’t been hurting had all joined in and goannas, snakes, I didn’t care I was not moving. And what was my horse now doing standing perfectly still looking guiltily at me and seemingly waiting for me to get back on as were all my friends. They had got to be kidding and didn’t they first want to check if I was still breathing or if any or every bone had been broken,some friends, well I was so definately crossing these people off my friend list. Besides even if I wanted to get back on, there was no drum or strong helper to help me back on. “I’m fine everyone,” as if they cared, “I’m just having a rest and will meet you back , I feel like going for a walk now, you know utilise some different muscles.” “Are you crazy, it’s about 7km away.” “Yeah crazy, that’s me, see you back there.” At least they knew when it was pointless to try and argue with me and so I got my own back as they had to wait about 4 hours while I trudged back, obviously getting lost several times on the way. At least I was smart enough to be the driver.
